Posted on December 5, 2023 by Wife of Devoted Packer Fan / 3 Comments
I’ve been making sugar cookies for my husband Bob since I was a seventeen-year-old blushing bride, pregnant with what would have been our first child. I can’t take credit for the recipe — it came from Patty, my best friend all through high school. Sadly, I’ve kind of lost track of her since Bob found out she prefers the company of women over men; if you’re reading this, Patty, I hope you’re happy and doing well. I miss you.
Anyway, Bob and I are big football fans. After the terrible defeat to Arizona last weekend, he fell into one of his crabby moods, so I decided to cheer him up by making some football-shaped cookies covered with brown icing. The results were well worth it — Bob ate three and didn’t even complain when dinner was late that afternoon. Wow. So even though Bob doesn’t like me posting on Facebook, I decided to share this recipe with other homemakers, people like me who work hard at keeping their man happy. Here goes:
- Begin by sifting 4 cups of All-Purpose flour into a large glass bowl. Bob insists that I use King Arthur brand because that’s what his Mom baked with, but I got tired of driving to the grocery store across town to get it and secretly started using Kroeger’s flour instead. It works just as well, as long as you place it into an airtight Tupperware container when you get home and then bury the package in the bottom of the trash.
- You’ll need two sticks of soft butter. It’s best to take them out the night before, but if your husband is a little nitpicky like mine, always worried about food contamination, go ahead and hide the butter in the back of the cupboard. And as I discovered after leaving the pot roast in the oven too long one evening, soft butter also helps with cigarette burns, so I usually take out an extra stick just in case there’s a problem.
- Cream the butter together with 2 large eggs, 1 cup of white sugar, 1 teaspoon each of baking soda and salt, and a splash of vanilla extract. Be extra careful when breaking the eggs, as there’s nothing worse than biting into a cookie with a bit of shell inside. I really can’t blame Bob for getting so upset about it that one time; I probably would have acted the same way.
- It’s time to add the flour. In the past I always mixed the dough by hand because Bob says it provides the best consistency, but after breaking my wrist in that weird accident last summer, I’ve needed to use a power mixer. That’s okay, though, as long as I carry it out to the garage, so the noise doesn’t interfere with the game.
- Now comes the fun part. Roll the dough into balls the size of a child’s fist, smash them flat with a rolling pin, then cut out the football shapes with a special cookie cutter — I got mine on Amazon, even though Bob warned me not to give any more money to that asshole Jeff Bezos. Next time I might try a helmet-shaped cookie cutter, or one that looks like a deer for hunting season.
- Bake at 375° F for 8 to 10 minutes or until light golden brown around the edges. Place the cookies on a metal rack to cool slightly. Also, be sure to time everything so the cookies are ready just before the end of the second quarter, as he’ll want something nice and warm to snack on during the halftime show.
- While the cookies are baking, mix a 16-ounce container of chocolate frosting together with 1 cup of peanut butter in a small bowl. Spread a generous amount over each cookie, then apply a little white frosting for the laces. To avoid sarcastic comments about your artistic skills, try to make the lacing look as realistic as possible, like they’re lined up perfectly for the winning kick between the uprights. That always puts a smile on his face.
- Although they’re delicious and I enjoy them thoroughly, I recommend eating just one cookie, then saving the rest for your husband and his friends. It’s probably a good idea to ask for a small bite of his, however, so he knows that you’re watching your weight.
- Because of my miscarriages, Bob and I don’t have any children. For those of you who do, don’t let your husband catch them licking the spoon, like that time I invited the neighbor kids over to help. Bob made it quite clear that it’s unsanitary, I just wish the neighbors hadn’t made such a fuss over his comments like they did — Bob was only being careful.
- If the cookies don’t come out right, you probably forgot to check the expiration date on the baking soda or measured something incorrectly. By offering to run to the store for beer and some of that beef jerky he likes so much, you can pick up fresh ingredients and start over. You’ll need to hurry, though — the game’s over at three and he’ll want to spend some private time with you afterwards as he deserves.
That’s it. Be sure to serve the cookies at an appropriate time — never during a kickoff, touchdown attempt, or other critical point in the game, as this could easily spoil the afternoon. And always wait for your husband’s nod of approval before you go back to the kitchen, to make sure he’s happy and that you didn’t mess something up. Now would also be a good time to tidy up the kitchen before making dinner. Husbands appreciate a sparkling clean home. Enjoy!
Tags: #packerfan #happyhusband #maritalbliss #footballsnackideas
Kip Hanson lives in Tucson. When not busy writing about #allthingsmanufacturing, he still manages to tell a few lies.