GENESIS NOVUS • by Baron Weiser

“You want my rib?” Adam scratched his head.

“No biggy, only one.” His almighty voice boomed across the rich land.

“But after last time you said we’re cool.”

“I figured it’s lonely down here.” His long white robe and beard drifted in the breeze. “So I’d create another being, similar yet different from you.”

Adam produced an apple from behind his back. “You didn’t need any ribs to create me.” Adam bit into the juicy apple.

“I lent the recipe to Lucifer before our falling out. What’d I tell you about the fucking apples? That’s My tree. I told you they don’t grow in heaven. You have a peach tree over there, grape vines on the south gate, don’t eat My goddamned apples.”

“Hey, what’d you say about saying ‘goddamned’?”

“Motherfucker,” the Great One said. “Just stand still.” He nestled his fingers around a rib. “Remember, crying’s for pussies.” He yanked out a chunk of flesh with a spare rib. “Hey, dinner.”

Adam took another bite.

“All right, all right.” The Great One snapped Eve into fruition. Her long flowing hair and nakedness attracted all eyes within a mile radius, which were four.

“Wow.” Adam moved close to Eve, reached down and tickled her in the most heavenly of ways.

He turned His back in disgust. “Could you wait until I leave?”

“What are those?” Eve said.

“Apples, you want one?”


He dropped His head into His great hands, “That’s the last goddamned beer I drink.”

Baron Weiser is, contrary to popular belief, not a Baron. He lives in a small hut in the desert just outside of Nevada. Many people have asked Baron about how he acquires money to live on but he always replies with the same answer — “Money, I don’t need no stinking money.” He often times wanders the desert trails through the empty vasts of Nevada and from time to time sips a beer on the outskirts of Area 51. If you ever walk through the Nevada desert and happen across a man in a red suede vest and a white cravat say, “Hello, Mister Weiser.” Because you are in good company.

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  • Tina Wayland

    I’m a little thrown off by this one. Lines like “attracted all eyes within a mile radius, which were four” (the four being attributed to the mile radius, I have no idea what this means) left me a little confused, as did trying to figure out who was talking from time to time. The ending is a little out of left field, as I don’t understand what God is referring to here. Adam? Eve? The apple tree?

    All that said, I loved the idea of a grumpy god and his ungrateful creations. It’s much more like real-life parenthood sometimes!

  • Roberta SchulbergGoro

    It’s obvious the Great One doesn’t like Adam, yet is so solicitous of his well being that he is concerned to give him a playmate before leaving him. If Lucifer could follow the recipe it wasn’t much of a recipe anyway, so that explains it. Is this story a play on the pronunciation of either “bud-weisser” or “bud-wiser”?

  • Michael Stang

    Loved the romp through everything that is holy. The trinity’s got nothin on you kid.

  • Carl

    The last five lines left it a little fuzzy as to who was doing/saying what, but I think I figured it out.

  • Lynn Vroman

    I liked this a lot. So funny, with a great twist to an old story. Loved the annoyed, cranky Great One. :)The last couple lines were a bit confusing, but after a second reading they became clear.

  • John Brooke

    I sure missed fang in this romping ridiculous read. Hisss…