Hey girl! We haven’t talked in forever, how have you been? Just hosted a makeover party for your Aunt Trisha. Wish you could’ve been there so we could catch up! Everyone had such a nice time. Really fixed the vibes with your Uncle Albert! Dude went from “Hail Satan! Prepare for enslavement of the morally righteous and torture most foul!” to “just watching the game, dear” real quick.
Hey babe! Since we couldn’t catch up at Albert’s makeover I wanted to let you know how I found financial freedom at 25. I’m proud to say I started my own business last year! It’s so easy to fit ExorcisMe into my life wherever I go. Reach out to me anytime to learn how to become your own #girlboss The best decision I could have made as a busy mommy was becoming an independent exorcist.
Hey again! You didn’t ask so I thought I’d let you know about all the perks that come with my job. As a top seller, ExorcisMe gifted me a brand-new pink hearse! It even came with a coffin-shaped car seat for Bryleigh! I bring her along to all my parties. Nothing makes me feel like a boss babe more than driving my hearse with the windows rolled down. Gotta have transportation on hand for clients who won’t buy the products you recommend!
Excited to announce that Bryleigh is the newest member of the ExorcisMe team!! Everyone keeps asking if there are any rules against recruiting children and, well, there’s no rules that say you can’t! Becoming an independent exorcist is for anyone who is hard-working and passionate about what they do, even if they still need their hot dogs cut into pennies or are still learning how to read. Bryleigh sounded out the banishing spell all on her own today! My girl is slaying and getting hands-on learning experience at the same time. None of the “lawyers” harassing ExorcisMe about “child endangerment” and “forced labor” seem to be setting their children up for future success.
Just in: ExorcisMe Hella Glam™ 3-in-1 Travel Party Kit! Complete with 100% Egyptian beeswax black invocation candles, 24K gold crucifix, and clary sage bundles. Order today for a free gift: our limited-edition faux mink false lashes! Personally, I can say they’re the best lashes I’ve ever worn. I wouldn’t be caught dead looking dull in front of anyone, including Beelzebub! P.S. You may have heard of the unfounded claims that our exorcisms are not safe and our products have unleashed the tenth circle of hell right here in Utah. The company claims no responsibility for exorcisms performed without the ExorcisMe Floating Charm Entrapment Locket, which holds up to five demon’s souls. $49.95 plus tax. *Death may occur if not used in conjunction with Exorcist Chieftain’s Ring, sold separately. $78.95 plus tax.
Another successful makeover! Today’s spawn of Satan unleashed a lightning strike that burned down the hostess’ entire house. At least I had the ExorcisMe Micellar Holy Water ($24.95 plus tax)! Sold an entire pallet to the fire department when the demon Belial devoured both the hydrant and engine in one chomp! They stopped the blaze just before it became a forest fire and now the Salt Lake County fire crew can easily remove their makeup in one swipe. (Soft as a Fallen Angel™ Cotton rounds sold separately, $26.95 plus tax.) You know where to find me if you want to get your hands on some before it’s all gone!
What a week! Just finished a makeover for the most difficult client yet. It turned out to be one of those demons who demands child sacrifices for the second coming of the dark lord or whatever. Good thing Bryleigh was there! I’ll miss getting her commissions though. She was becoming quite the successful little exorcist. Guess I can always pop out another recruit!
Hey girl, it’s Satan! Just took care of your friend because even I was getting tired of her bullshit. Don’t worry, she’s dancing in red-hot iron shoes inside a cage not even the ExorcisMe Hex Melting Serum can break open. Even with her mouth sewn shut that boss bitch somehow convinced me to buy the entire set, and guess what? It’s all crap. The gates of hell are always open for hard-working, passionate #girlbosses. Anyway, let me know if you’re interested in an opportunity to make seven figures working from home with no experience necessary.
Cassandra Lipp is the former managing editor of Writer’s Digest and currently writes and produces of the Oddheader YouTube series with her husband. Her work has appeared in The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, Bacopa Literary Review, and Ohio’s Best Emerging Poets.
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