HELP WANTED • by Mark Richardson

“Mr. Henning, please come in and have a seat.”

“If I have to.”

“So, how did you find out about this position?”

“What position? Sitting position? I’ve known about that as long as I can remember.”

“No, the job.”

“What job?”

“The one you’re interviewing for.”

“This is a job interview?”

“You didn’t know that?”

“I musta forgot on my way over. I remember now though. Let’s interview.”

“What are your strengths?”

“Well, I’m lazy, insolent, like to stir up trouble with my co-workers… and I’m an alcoholic.”

“How are those strengths?”

“Admitting all that shows I’m honest.”

“And weaknesses?”

“I steal things. And obviously I’m not very good at interviewing.”

“Take my ashtray out of your pocket!”

“And obviously not very good at stealing things.”

“Do you have any education?”

“Does graduating from high school count?”

“Of course.”

“Then no.”

“What about pertinent job skills?”

“Does not knowing what ‘pertinent’ means count as a job skill?”

“Of course not.”

“Then no.”

“Do you have a criminal record?”

“Do felonies count?”

“Of course.”

“Good, then I can finally answer yes.”

“Do you have a resume?”


“Can I see it?”

“Probably not, I forgot to bring it. Was too hungover.”

“Why did you leave your former job?”

“Because the security guard was way bigger than me. Armed, too.”

“So they let you go?”

“No, they made me go.”

“Is there anything else I should know about you?”

“Well, there’s a whole lot you shouldn’t know about me.”

“But nothing I should?”

“I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“Okay, I usually take interviewees out to lunch, but I think I’ve already made my decision.”

“You mean…”

“Yes, you’ve got the job. I think you’d make a wonderful addition to our comedy troupe.”

Mark Richardson writes in Mississippi, USA.

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Every Day Fiction