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Used Time Machine for Sale. Fully functional. Otterheim model 3188.

Used only once, four years ago. If necessary, the ETTA (Earth Temporal Travel Administration) can provide proof that its last traveler arrived at her designated time period.

The time machine is the third Otterheim model (yes, the “round” one), with a shell made of titanium and aluminum. It is powered by a plutonium ion battery. The diameter is 6 feet, and it weighs approximately one ton.

The Otterheim is capable of traveling up to 2,000 years into the past. As with all time machines, traveling into the future is not possible. Please see the included holovid for more information.

I should mention that the time machine fits only one passenger. To explain for those unfamiliar with time travel, the machine remains in the current time while only your body travels into the past. If multiple users will be traveling, you will need to use the machine individually.

Please be aware, however, that there is a recharge time: one day for each year the time machine can travel back. To give an example: if you were to follow someone who went back 1,500 years, you would need to wait 1,500 days for the machine to recharge.

If choosing to follow someone, please consider this carefully. A lot could happen in four years. You could start a new job. Survive a life-threatening disease. Lose your brother (and the only family member you have left.) You could even fall in love with someone else and be forced to choose between the past and the future.

But, I digress.

Planetary law requires me to post the legal requirements of time travel. I will try my best to not bore you with the details.

(1)       Note that running into yourself in the past breaks the Statute of Temporal Travel as voted on by the Earth Supreme Court in Neeson vs. ETTA. Therefore, you may not travel anytime less than 100 years before you were born. Specific details are available on the ETTA holosite. Some time periods are off limits completely, including (but not limited to) 1492, 1933-1945 and 1969.

(2)       Please remember that a location in 3192 will not be the same location in 1692. You wouldn’t want to appear in the middle of the Salem witch trials. Plan accordingly.

(3)       Due to the physics of time travel, you will not be able to take anything with you. No money, no pictures, no heirlooms. No clothing. I suggest choosing a remote location.

(4)       As with any machine that tears apart and reassembles your molecules, there is a slight chance of death, but I assure you that this is one of the safest models out there. Scientists have estimated that death occurs in only 6 out of every 100 trips. If you’ve read this far, you probably think the risk is worth it. My wife certainly did.

But, I digress again.

(5)       To legally time travel, please be aware that you must apply for a Certificate of Temporal Relocation (CTR), which is available from the ETTA. For all intents and purposes, you will be considered dead in the current time. Without this certificate, your loved ones will not be able to inherit your assets. From experience I can tell you that this is quite a hassle, so please take the time to fill out the CTR.

If you need any further details, I suggest holochatting with the Otterheim support team, as they are quite helpful. Feel free to mention my name. They know me quite well. Perhaps too well. (On second thought, you might not want to mention my name.)

You may think it strange that I saved the price for last, but I wanted you to read the details first. These models sell for upwards of a million planetary dollars, but I have no need of such money.

I am giving the time machine away for free. Yes, for free.

The Otterheim can be found in the shuttle dock of 241 Sycamore in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA. I can’t guarantee what you’ll find. The time machine may be gone by the time you arrive. You could find it intact but with no charge.

Removing it from the premises is your responsibility. The logistics do not concern me.

However it does occur to me that, as I finish writing this, I have spoken in error. I said that the time machine had only been used once, but that is now inaccurate.

By the time you read this, the Otterheim will have been used twice.

Kelsey Snyder is a market researcher who recently landed in Michigan (although unfortunately not in a time machine). In her free time, she writes speculative fiction short stories and organizes a wonderfully eclectic meetup.

If you want to keep EDF around, Patreon is the answer.

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