“Mages and mercenaries, gamblers and guild masters, welcome to the 83rd mayoral debate of this fine city of Aleshire!” The well-dressed and portly announcer’s voice magically reverberated to the edges of the crowd. Arms raised, the three-foot tall man stood on two stacked crates atop a platform in the middle of the square. “On my right, we have the incumbent Maxillum Fairmane, who has held this office for six years. And on my left, we have Piper Rufo, a resident of Aleshire and self-proclaimed capsacist. First, each one will briefly explain how they would best serve our city. Ms. Rufo, as the challenger, you may go first.”
Piper smiled and stepped forward. Her freckles stood out on her cheeks, while her shoulder-length copper-colored hair shone in the sun. “Esteemed citizens and friends! You ask — how can I serve you? I ask you in return — how have I served you already? How many of you have come to my shop seeking help? Poultryman John, did I not keep the wolves away from your flock by rubbing their feathers in chili oil? Lady Caprini, did I not halt the advances of your unwanted suitor with a pinch of powdered habanero to the cheeks? To the merchant that shall remain unnamed, did I not incapacitate your rival at the auction with the elegance of an assassination but none of the legal or hereditary ramifications? And finally, did I not end the tyranny of the dragon Tenebrix by stuffing the sacrificial goats with a hundred ghost peppers?”
It’s an impressive speech, Maxillum admitted to himself, but insufficient. As the crowd cheered, he rehearsed his response. Ms. Rufo’s qualifications are indeed impressive. But why stop there? After all, the union between House Caprini and House Finkus took a decade of planning. But Ms. Rufo ruined it with a bit of makeup in one night! Furthermore, Master Redcastle may not know which merchant outbid him while he was busy flushing his face with cream, but surely he knows that Ms. Rufo is to thank for his new fortune, or rather, lack thereof. And finally, whose peppercorns awoke the dragon Tenebrix in the first place in an ill-advised attempt to steal his gold? Ah yes — another round of applause for the celebrated Piper Rufo!
As the cheering died down, Piper bowed and stepped toward Maxillum. “Best of luck, love,” she said, then put her hand to her lips and blew him a kiss. Trying not to shudder, Maxillum forced a smile, then sidestepped the girl toward the front of the stage. He raised his hands and the crowd quieted.
“Ms. Rufo’s qualifications are indeed im—” he began. He tried again: “Indeed impress— ah, ah—” Something in his nose, or maybe his eyes — “But why stop… ah-CHOO!” he sneezed. “Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOOOO!”
It was several minutes of uncontrolled sneezing before he could get a pint of ale to calm his sinuses. But by then the debate was over — Piper had requested that the rest be canceled out of concern for her opponent’s health.
Tygan Shelton writes in Wisconsin, where he lives with his wife and two children.
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