PAWS OF EVIL! • by J.D. Harlock

“No…

No…

Dr. Felinestein, stop that.

Stop that right now.

Naughty cat! Naughty cat!

You will not flicker the transdimensional summoning obelisk.

You will not flicker the transdimensional summoning obelisk and unleash the unyielding hordes of hell.

Dr. Felinestein! Dr. Felinestein!

You are misbehaving.

You are misbehaving, Dr. Felinestein, and I, Dr. Nazira Makarem, the Supereminent Sorceress of Science, will not have that in my lair!

Do you know how hard it is to harvest simobsite crystals from the quantum-nuclear volcanic clusters off the moons of Harth?

Do you?!

I thought so!

You will sit over there. There. Yes, there! There, in the Chilaxor snuggle-max bean bag right by the cat-nip-infused starlight-heater, and, as Chillaxor would say, “Chillax,” while I extricate myself from the tentacled clutches of the Primordial Bezoik.

Here we go… I just need to prise this electro-conducive exoskeleton from this quadrupolar hivemind, and I’ll be free to tickle its fourth chin and release the fifteenth claw’s grip on my…. on my…. Ugh! I can’t believe this!

Oh, Dr. Felinestein! How did I ever get caught up in all of… this…

When I find the one responsible, I’m going to… I’m going to—

No…

No…

Dr. Felinestein, is that… Is that the Canopic Jar of Soulless Hunger?

Where did you get your hands on that?

Put that down right this instant!

You know you’re not supposed to be poking around in the pocket-dimension galley kitchenette.

Naughty cat! Naughty cat!

Mommy is not pleased! She is not pleased at all!

You will be dealt with in extra-meanie tummy rubs later!

Let me just lick this engorged sentient appendage and caress this dangling bobulous, and you’ll be… you’ll be…

Dr. Felinestein…

Where are you going?

Are you… Are you going over to the Omni-Time Extrapolator and fundamentally altering the laws of physics as we know it?!

Oh no! You’re going over to the Omni-Time Extrapolator and fundamentally altering the laws of physics as we know it!

Naughty! Naughty!

Stop that!

Stop that right now…

Wait…

Wait…

Are you… smiling?

Wait…. Wait….

I… I can’t believe it…

You did this!

It was… It was… you!

It was you, Dr. Felinestein!

It was you the whole time!

Oh, Dr. Felinestein, it was you….”


J.D. Harlock is a Syrian Lebanese Palestinian writer and editor based in Beirut. In addition to his posts at Wasifiri, as an editor-at-large, and at Solarpunk Magazine, as a poetry editor, his writing has been featured in Strange Horizons, Star*Line, and the SFWA Blog. You can always find him on Twitter and Instagram posting updates on his latest projects.


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