IMPORTANT INFORMATION FROM THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES • by Ted Hayden

Animal Services

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Due to a rising stray population and an associated uptick in dog attacks, LA Animal Services has initiated a prevention program in coordination with the LAPD’s AI Unit.

Starting on February 21st, a newly developed stray-dog targeting technology will be activated in all LAPD AI drones. This technology will target stray dogs for immediate destruction.

Even small, cat-sized dogs are nuisances. They have bitten children and small, child-sized adults. (Adult-sized children remain unbitten.) Therefore, dog-sized cats or cat-sized cats may inadvertently be targeted for destruction. You may also witness the inadvertent targeted destruction of large cat-sized squirrels and smaller squirrel-sized squirrels. Due to the program’s technological limitations, we advise all pet owners to keep their pets indoors until the program’s termination.

Responsible pet owners should not take unleashed dogs on walks. The targeting technology is programmed to recognize and de-target leashed dogs. During carefully controlled tests, the technology targeted and destroyed several leashed dogs. Responsible pet owners should use long leashes and stay at least ten yards away from their dogs or dog-sized cats or cat-sized cats when outside with their pets. (It would probably be best for child-sized children to refrain from walking on all fours, either as an innocent game or due to some bizarre necessity.) Neither LA Animal Services nor the LAPD are responsible for inadvertent technological malfunctions.

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Department of City Planning

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Notice of public hearing for residents regarding the future of the park located at 620 North Bunker Hill Ave.

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Date and location: February 4th, 6 pm, LA City Hall, 200 North Spring Street (Cancelled)

Vertex LA will provide food and beverages.

Thirteen months ago, Vertex LA donated the following items to the Central City North Park at 620 North Bunker Hill Ave: rumbler slide, pocket cabin, vertical climber, crawl tube, and solo swing. The park equipment provides cognitive and physical enrichment for children ages two to twelve.

Since the time of that donation, the Department of City Planning has received multiple complaints of too many children playing at the park. The Department of City Planning has also received complaints that some of these children may not be children at all.

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Hearing agenda:

  1. Are the children children, teenagers, or adults?
  2. If the children are not children, should the park be demolished?
  3. Even if the children really are children, should the park be demolished? Is the idea of “childhood” a social construct?
  4. If the park is demolished, what should be developed?
  5. What are the strengths of Vertex LA’s development proposal?
  6. In what ways would Vertex LA’s development be better than the child-infested park?

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Police Department

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The Los Angeles Police Department AI Unit would like to acknowledge that we have received “proven” complaints that AIs have targeted non-guilty citizens. In the event you are a non-guilty citizen being targeted by an LAPD AI, please follow the steps in this helpful guide.

First, some clarification.

AIs are not murderers. To say otherwise is terrible calumny. Even when non-guilty citizens are not guilty, AI often has good reason to assume they’re guilty. Regardless what happened to currently non-living “proven” non-guilty citizens during their illogical confrontations with AI, authority must often be enforced. In the majority of cases (all cases) it is not the AI, but the guilty citizens AIs target, who can prevent targeting from turning into tragedy.

If you are a non-guilty citizen, please follow these simple steps.

If you are being targeted for a crime you did not commit or a crime you did not know was a crime, follow the AI’s commands. When you are given the opportunity to speak, ask the AI if you may talk to an operator. If you are not given the opportunity to speak, ask the AI for an operator at a time when you are given the opportunity. Speak loudly and clearly. If, after requesting an operator, the AI does not acknowledge your request, say “nine” (9). If saying “nine” doesn’t work, say “eight” (8). If saying “eight” doesn’t work, say “eight” again.

Thank you and stay safe.

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Bureau of Sanitation

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Some manhole covers aren’t covered. They look like they’re covered but they’re not. If you see them, don’t step in them. If you don’t see them, focus. Don’t fall. If you fall, don’t panic. Eventually you will hit the ground.


Ted Haydens fiction has appeared in publications including Nature, Andromeda Spaceways, and Angry Old Man: A Magazine of Experimental Art & Poetry. Read more of his stories at tedhaydenstories.com.


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