To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
I received my order, 1 cat.
However, it doesn’t resemble the woodprint in your catalog. The ears are droopy, while its tail is short and springy. Its muzzle is too long. Since the cat is destined to be my familiar after I learn the proper spells, I place great value on its appearance.
This cat is flawed, and I request a replacement.
***
To: Tabitha Apprentice
From: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
Thank you for your business!
Many first-time customers are not aware that pets/familiars, delivered at the age of eight weeks, have not achieved their final appearance. Rest assured that your cat will soon settle into its final appearance.
Be patient!
***
To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
Your reply arrived via raven but was unhelpful.
Not only does this cat look wrong, it sounds wrong. It never purrs. When I locked it in a cupboard so I could practice my spells, it scratched at the door and whined incessantly. And after I let it out, it licked me! A cat’s tongue should feel like sandstone, but this was slobbery. Also, it chews on my broomstick when I’m not looking.
I demand a replacement.
***
To: Tabitha Apprentice
From: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
Thank you for your business!
If you read the Advice page at the end of our catalog, you’ll see that the issues you’re experiencing with your cat are common. Often, it helps to put your pet/familiar back in its delivery crate, wait an hour, and reopen the crate. When it emerges, your pet/familiar will be as good as new!
***
To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
Your suggestion was useless.
I enclose a drawing I made, showing in detail the flawed appearance of the cat you shipped me. Observe the lackluster ears and inadequate tail. The nose is overly generous. This cat doesn’t fit in with the other familiars in my coven.
Do you realize who you’re dealing with? A witchling, not a lackey!
***
To: Tabitha Apprentice
From: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
Thank you for your business!
We forwarded your letter to our order processing manager. This is his reply:
“Letter arrived wet. Ink smeared. Not sure what it shows. Crocodile? We don’t sell reptiles.”
We hope that we have satisfactorily resolved the issue with your cat.
***
To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
No, you haven’t resolved the deuced issue! I have more issues than ever. The cat insists on following me everywhere. It jumps on my pallet when I want to sleep and tries to snuggle against me. Disciples of darkness do not snuggle!
When the queen of the coven knocked on my door today, the cat made noises. Not respectable mewing or hissing, but much louder sounds from deep in its throat.
This cat is flawed, and I repeat my demand for a replacement.
***
To: Tabitha Apprentice
From: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
Thank you for your business!
Looking for tips on training your pet/familiar? You’ll find them at the back of our catalog. Here are just two helpful examples for cat:
To encourage good conduct, offer your cat a reward, such as Pets & Familiars Pure Venison Treats. Your cat will purr with pleasure!
To discourage bad conduct, pick up your cat by the scruff of its neck, look it in the eye, and announce in a firm voice, “No!”
***
To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
I decided to return the cat to your shop. This was not without difficulty. The cat was unable to balance on my broomstick and when it fell, didn’t land on its feet. I had to fly holding it in my lap. And imagine my surprise on arriving in the Imperial City to find only a mailbox where your shop should be. The placard above it listed a forwarding address to the far shore of the Southern Sea. That’s beyond my flying range with a cat in my lap.
I demand that you exchange my cat for one like I saw in your catalog. Otherwise, you shall rue the consequences.
***
To: Tabitha Apprentice
From: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
Thank you for your business!
On reviewing your claim, we see that the order was fulfilled 35 days ago. Our return policy, clearly described in our catalog, states that a pet/familiar must be returned within 30 days.
***
To: Imperial Pets & Familiars Shoppe
From: Tabitha, apprentice to the Wythia Coven
It’s not my fault that you used up my 30 days!
I’ve gradually overcome my disgust with this flawed cat. Its insufferable loyalty no longer annoys me, and its added warmth on the pallet beside me is useful on icy nights.
However.
Imperial Pets & Familiars has earned the undying wrath of a witch (apprentice). Once I learn how to use my wand, you will wail in despair that we ever crossed paths.
Don’t bother replying to grovel for mercy. My familiar and I know where to find you.
George S. Walker writes in Portland, Oregon, USA. His stories have appeared in On Spec, Abyss & Apex, Andromeda Spaceways, The Colored Lens, Electric Spec, Swords and Sorcery, Kindle Vella, and elsewhere. Anthologies containing his work include Mothership: Tales from Afrofuturism & Beyond, and The Science Fiction Megapack.
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