DON FERNANDO’S PEACOCKS • by William Kitcher

Don Fernando had acquired great wealth throughout his life, some of it even legally. He built himself a huge bungalow mansion on the crest of a hill overlooking his property — a Celtic orange grove, a tennis court, a hedge maze, and a meadow full of sheep-goats who sipped from the stream which meandered down the hillside to the nearby village, which he also owned.

His house was never big enough for him, so each year he would add another wing and fill it with statues, sculptures, and art works plundered from other parts of the world. He did this with the thought that this would please his wife, the Countess Virginia Vedderichs.

But the Countess was not a particularly materialistic person, having come from a financially secure background. Her husband bought her countless clothes spun from gold by tree-dwelling goblins, shoes cobbled from the petals of the rare fly-eating flowers that grew on the property, and jewels harvested from the tears of Silesian monkeys, most of which she gave away. The only gift she truly prized was a pair of Arctic peacocks that had full run of the house and garden.

Eventually there was no more room on the hill to expand the house — it could have been extended upwards but Don Fernando had a fear of heights –— and the Don wondered what else he could spend his money on.

He decided to build himself a moon. It wasn’t as large as our moon, but it was significantly big enough that it covered a large portion of the sky. He installed a huge searchlight on the roof of his house and aimed it at the moon so he could watch it go through its phases as it revolved around Don Fernando’s house three times a day, the same side always facing the house as did our moon.

Don Fernando was very proud of his new acquisition, and showed it off to Countess Virginia Vedderichs, who was generally unimpressed. “It’s very nice,” she said, “but there’s already a moon we can look at.”

“But this one’s closer,” said Don Fernando.

“That’s not really important,” said Virginia Vedderichs.

Don Fernando admired his moon and contemplated what he could do with it to impress his wife.

One day, while Virginia was in town giving away some of her clothes and jewelry to the needy, Don Fernando had an exact replica of his house built on the moon. When Virginia saw it, she said, “That’s very nice, dear, but it seems like a waste of money. What are you going to do with it?” Before he could answer, she went inside to feed the peacocks.

The next day, Don Fernando had a replica of himself built, and had the new Don stand on the Lydian marble balcony across from his.

“Hello!” said Don Fernando, from his own balcony, waving at the new Don.

“Hello!” said the new Don, waving back. “This is quite the house you’ve built for me here. And that’s quite the house you have there as well.”

“It’s the same house,” said Don Fernando.

“I can see that,” said the new Don. “But it’s far too big for me, for one person.”

Clearly, the new Don was not an exact replica of Don Fernando. “Would you like some peacocks?” he asked.

Virginia Vedderichs came out to the balcony. “Who are you talking to?”

Don Fernando pointed to the moon. “Look! It’s me! Well, sort of me.”

Virginia Vedderichs looked up. “So it is. How much did he cost?”

“Money is no object,” said Don Fernando.

“No, I suppose for you it’s not.”

“It’s an incredible expense,” said the new Don. “I don’t need all this. Perhaps some townsfolk would like to share the house with me.”

“Nonsense,” said Don Fernando. “They don’t deserve a beautiful house like that.”

The new Don considered this and then left his balcony. Virginia Vedderichs patted Don Fernando on the shoulder and went inside to feed the peacocks.

Don Fernando continued to look at his moon and wondered what more he could build. He lay down on the balcony’s hammock and drifted off to sleep, not having resolved anything.

Virginia Vedderichs woke in the middle of the night, saw that her husband was not in bed, and got up and went to the storage barn.

Don Fernando was awakened at dawn by the screeches of the peacocks. He looked at his moon. Virginia Vedderichs had evidently taken the very long ladder from the barn. It was propped up against the moon. Looking at the ladder gave Don Fernando vertigo. Virginia Vedderichs was near the top of the ladder. She was carrying a suitcase. The new Don reached down, took the suitcase from her, and put it on the balcony, then reached down to help Virginia Vedderichs onto the balcony.

The peacocks climbed the ladder behind her and hopped onto the balcony. Virginia Vedderichs turned and waved at Don Fernando, and then she, the new Don, and the peacocks went into their house.


William Kitcher’s stories, plays, and comedy sketches have been published, produced, and/or broadcast in Australia, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Canada, Czechia, England, Germany, Guernsey, Holland, India, Ireland, Nigeria, Singapore, South Africa, the U.S., and Wales. His stories have appeared in Fiery Scribe Review, Ariel Chart, New Contrast, Spinozablue, Granfalloon, Eunoia Review, Defenestration, Yellow Mama, and many other journals. His comic noir novel, Farewell And Goodbye, My Maltese Sleep, the second funniest novel ever written, was published in October 2023 by Close To The Bone Publishing, and is available on Amazon.


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