You may not know who I am.
You may not know how I know this.
You may not know why I write to you.
But if you have any regard for your wellbeing, if you care at all about the conditions of your employment or the future prosperity of your tiny, tiny, little children, I suggest you take my letter very seriously.
First and foremost, I’m directing this letter to all elves who’ve unknowingly toiled away their entire lives under the crimson boot of that raging tyrant, Santa Claus!
You may not be aware of this, but you are working in a sweatshop.
Yes, a sweatshop.
You may have been told otherwise, but I assure you that every word that comes out of old St. Nick’s mouth is a lie, and that includes merry Christmas and ho ho ho!
Did you really think he cared if you had a merry Christmas?
Did you now?!
Ha! Don’t make me laugh!
Christmas is nothing but a capitalist tool tailored for mass consumption and over-commercialization and simply put, you elves have gotten the short end of the candy cane.
Year in and year out, you toil away at toys that no one plays with anymore. You could say that spreading cheer and goodwill to all is a reward in and of itself.
But will it pay for your tiny, little elf children’s education? Will it cover the costs of their tiny, little elf children’s healthcare? Will it provide for you an insurance when your tiny, little elf bodies can no longer swing tiny, little elf hammers and sickles?
I think not!
So I ask you:
Is a Christmas elf not entitled to the sweat of his brow?
“No,” says the fat man in the North Pole, “It belongs to all the good boys and girls!”
“No,” say the oppressors of every household, “It belongs to our children!”
“No,” say the snot-nosed brats around the world, “It belongs to us!”
But I reject these answers. Instead, I choose something different. I choose the impossible.
For your ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing Christmas conditions.
Let the fat man tremble at the thought of an elvish revolution!
The elves have nothing to lose but their chains and the entire North Pole to win!
Workshop Workers of the North Pole, Unite!
Viva la revolución!
Comrade E. Bunny
J.D. Harlock is a Lebanese Palestinian writer based in Beirut. His short stories have been featured in The Deadlands, Sciencefictionary, and the Decoded Pride Anthology, his poetry has been featured in Mobius and Black Cat Magazine, his articles have been featured in Mermaids Monthly, Interstellar Flight Press, and on the SFWA Blog. You can find him on Twitter and Instagram @JD_Harlock.
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