To the Sorely Mistaken Acquisitions Department of the Big Box Department Store: A certain line of baby products you are selling has come to my attention, and let me tell you, I am not happy. I have been informed that… Continue Reading
Fifteen years and three children ago, George met Dorothy #1 at the wedding of a friend. Theirs is a relatively happy marriage, rather unremarkable, the matrimonial equivalent of vanilla ice cream, no sprinkles. Predictable, reliable. He works as a tax… Continue Reading
He doesn’t know his letters. That’s what Ricky thought when he looked down at the refrigerator magnets. “CAT”. Only the A was an upside-down V. Little Ricky sat next to his handiwork grinning broadly. The wife was supposed to be… Continue Reading
The Artifact hung just below the massive orb of the planet Jupiter. Astronaut Dave Roman made some minor attitude adjustments to his tiny pod and fired the thrusters. This close, you could see the tumult of the Jovian clouds, the… Continue Reading
Thomas Stearns Murray, playground pugilist, defender of younger sister, instigator of the sixth-grade riot, Warner High shortstop and expellee, premarital experimentation enthusiast, keeper of the barometric pressure log, repentant fellow traveler, aspiring shipping magnate, burier of parents, inheritor of wealth,… Continue Reading
Wisconsin State Park Ranger Smith rolled up on a group of campers standing outside a women’s outhouse. The building trembled despite its sturdy cinderblock construction and steel door. As he stepped out of the truck, a vile combination of rotten… Continue Reading
The Christmas tree lights were twinkling. Just a minute, they’re not supposed to do that. Then the room was plunged into darkness. Somebody screamed. It was my niece, obviously. The phrase “we won’t make a drama out of a crisis”… Continue Reading
Your boyfriend made a big show of the real-deal, intricately carved ivory lighter he got as a gift at work. And you wanted to say something about how elephants are endangered, but he was so thrilled about the novelty of… Continue Reading
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. —King James Bible, 1611, Matthew, 5:15. Inasmuch as the recent events surrounding the Lady Arlene (if indeed, that… Continue Reading
So, our adopted daughter Tabitha has been kidnapped, and my husband Frank and I are waiting for the call. At least we think she’s been kidnapped. Her Gucci bag, her women’s size Christian Louboutin shoes, and a favorite large diamond… Continue Reading