“Caroline! CAAAROLINE! Hey, do you–”
“Amy? Amy, whoa. Careful! Are you?”
“Blasted! Toasted! Roasted! Crunk! Gone! Beyond… gone.”
“Jeez, stand still! What did you drink?”
“Whatever Mike put into that cup.”
“Some brother.”
“Some brother! My brother! He sent me over to–”
“Maybe we should sit.”
“Oh, look at you, Miss Responsible of the Scranton… Responsibles.”
“Yikes. I’m just trying–”
“I’m trying! I am. You know, this is MY house. I should be hosting you.”
“Okay, well, we’re sitting regardless.”
“I didn’t even want to have this party.”
“I know.”
“But here we are!”
“Yeah.”
“Having the party.”
“We are.”
“THE party. The party to end all parties, as Mike said.”
“Do you want some water, maybe?”
“No! I came over here to tell you something!”
“Okay! Lower your voice.”
“I can’t hear over this music!”
“Do you want me to go turn down the music?”
“No, no, no. Stay here. Stay with me on this couch.”
“Okay, I’m here.”
“It’s a good couch, Caroline.”
“Best I’ve sat on.”
“You always know what to say.”
“Only on the matters of furniture.”
“A slow song! I can hear!”
“Then stop yelling, Amy.”
“You’re right! I’m done. Hello.”
“So, you wanted to tell me something?”
“YES! It’s very important. Sorry, that was the last shout.”
“Right. Well…”
“This may not be the best time. Not the most ‘opportunistic moment’.”
“You’re starting to sound like Mike.”
“But I just gotta go with my gut here.”
“The gut that is full of alcohol.”
“Yes, that gut. That’s the gut. Easy there, gut.”
“Amy, do you want to go to the bathroom?”
“After, probably.”
“I don’t want you to puke on me.”
“I love you, Caroline.”
“Well, it’s more of a courtesy for me.”
“No, Caroline. Not the puking. I love you.”
“What?”
“Like, in love.”
“Huh.”
“With you.”
“Is Mike making you do this?”
“I just, I didn’t want this to be weird.”
“Amy. Is Mike making you do this?”
“What? No. No, this is me. I’m talking to you.”
“He got you drunk.”
“Yes.”
“He sent you over here?”
“He may have spun me in this general vicinity, but–”
“Amy, this is bullshit. Come on, let’s get you upstairs.”
“No! Caroline! I mean this. I mean all of it.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
“What are you doing?”
“Not this. Not right now.”
“Why not? Caroline, stop!’
“You’re so drunk.”
“And?”
“And Mike’s a dick.”
“Hey! What? He was just trying–”
“He was trying to get us together.”
“He likes us together!”
“Of course he does! His sister and his best friend just happen to be lesbians–”
“So?”
“So of course he has to do something about it, has to plan something.”
“Oh, come on. I’m not some puppet.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“I have Real Feelings.”
“I know.”
“For you.”
“…I know”
“Why not me then? Huh? Why not?”
“Amy, I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.”
“We’re best friends.”
“And I don’t want to ruin that.”
“I don’t either. I’m not trying to date you so I can stop being your friend.”
“I know.”
“That’d be crazy.”
“You’re right.”
“Who would do that?”
“Amy, okay. I believe you’re being honest with your feelings.”
“Good. Now you say words while I hold down my vomit.”
“Okay… Well, I like you too. I like hanging out with you. I like your taste in movies.”
“We should watch–!”
“Later. Maybe. I like how smart you are. And talented. Shit, I like almost everything about you.”
“Then why not me?”
“Why…not…”
“Caroline, I love you. We can just start there.”
“What if I hurt you, Amy?”
“If you hurt me… If you hurt me, I’ll only be hurt for a little while. But you won’t hurt me forever.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. I want to try this. With you.”
“Amy…”
“Yes?”
“You…Complete me.”
“Oh my god, shut up.”
“You do! You complete me”
“Never mind. I’m too drunk for this.”
“You had me at hello!”
“Stop it, Caroline.”
“I may not be a smart woman, but I know what love is!”
“The vomit is coming!”
“I’ll have what she’s having!”
“Wait!”
“What?”
“Kiss me. Kiss me so I know this is real.”
“okay…”
“…okay.”
“Was that okay?”
“That was perfect.”
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Zack Peercy is a playwright. He has been published by The Sandy River Review, The Santa Clara Review, Water Soup Press, and others. He enjoys Airheads and believes they deserve more respect in the larger candy community.
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