EXCERPTED ELECTRONIC ARCHIVES FROM THE FOUNDING OF THE DEMON PITTED TRACK ROLLER DERBY ASSOCIATION • by Sarah Pinsker

From: Yekahel
To: Agiel
Subject: Updated rulebook

Agiel,

Have you picked a name yet? I hear from Angra Mainyu that things are going really well with recruitment to the league. Angra is thinking we should be able to field at least four teams, maybe six, if all the interested demons actually show up for tryouts.

Have you managed to find a location for the bouts? My vote is still for the first circle. Cheaper rent, more space. Plus, you know how demons and souls from the inner circles are willing to travel out of the city, but the limbo-ites get all paranoid about violence and street parking the moment they cross Fifth.

Anyway, I think I’m almost done with a draft of the rulebook. I was wondering if you would take a look at it for me?

Thanks,

Yeka “Raisin'” Hel (too obvious?)

***

From: Agiel
To: Yekahel
Cc: Cerberus

Found possible location. 8 circle, but with big parking lot. Cerb, I know that’s not yr hood but do u know any bars in that area 2 hold the after party? Yeka Raisin love the name. Rock on!

Agiel

Sent from my infernoPhone

***

From: Agiel
To: Yekahel
Subject: RE: Updated Rulebook

Sorry I didn’t get back to you on this earlier. I hate writing longer messages on my sainted inPhone. Back in the office now.

Re section 2.1.2 Consider adding obsidian to the list of acceptable skating surfaces?  Wood just will not hold up to the temperatures in 8th circle. (Aside: Speaking of the venue, I’m really digging the pictures this landlord has sent. My only concern in that area is scalpers.)

Also, I like 2.1.2.1: “Any pits in the surface should be declared in advance to contain either (a) lava or (b) imps.  If (b) imps, their exact types should be registered with the officials at the start of the bout.”

You might want to add, “All imps must stay in their pits. At no time are they allowed on the track surface.” Remember, all our refs are gonna be new to this. They’ll have a hard enough time managing the players on the track without a bunch of imps crawling around and tripping them up.

I’ve got a few more comments below, in caps.

2.1.3 Outer track boundaries may be tape, cliff, or stretched human flesh. THE BOUNDARY MUST BE VISIBLE ON ALL SPECTRUMS OF LIGHT AND ABSENCE OF LIGHT. IT SHOULD ALSO BE RECOGNIZABLE TO ANY PLAYERS WHO SEE WITH THEIR TONGUES OR THEIR TEETH (inclusivity!). MAYBE SOME BLOOD FOR THOSE WHO NAVIGATE BY SMELL?

2.4.2 Hell is eternal, but (CUT THIS. NO JOKES IN THE OFFICIAL RULES. LEAVE THAT TO THE ANNOUNCERS – START HERE) a jam is a period of up to two minutes.

6 – THE SECTION ON PENALTIES IS GOOD, BUT CONSIDER ADDING THE FOLLOWING: Other penalties include: blocking to the head or horns; TAIL PULLING; TAIL WHIPPING (I #&* HATE GETTING TAIL WHIPPED WHEN I’M SKATING – IS THAT JUST ME?); use of horns; use of teeth; cutting; burning; opening unauthorized pits in the skating surface.

7.2.2 Penalties must be spent in the designated penalty box. The penalty box may (MUST) have spikes, flames, or  (AND) broken glass.

7.2.2.1 Alternately, if a large enough canker demon can be found, penalized skaters may be forced to spend their time out in the mouth of said canker demon. (YUCK! BAD@SS IDEA!)

7.2.2.2 No team may have more than three players in the penalty box at any one time. If a fourth player receives a penalty, that fourth player may be eaten by the oppossing (OPPOSING) team’s management.

CONSIDER ADDING 7.2.2.2.1 (DID I NUMBER THAT RIGHT?) If a player is eaten by the opposing team’s management, it must be excreted or regurgitated by the time its penalty is complete.

10.1.2 All players must wear kneepads, elbow pads, and wrist guards. Kneepads may be spiked, and spikes may face inward or outward, depending on the demon’s preference.  Impaling other players is a penalty offense. IF IMPALING IS A PENALTY OFFENSE, THEN WHY ALLOW OUTWARD SPIKES? I VOTE ALLOW THEM & TAKE OUT THIS PENALTY.

Great job, Yeka! The rest of this looks rad. I know you’ve put a ton of work into adapting those rules.

Agiel

ps Do you want me to start calling you Raisin?

***

From: Yekahel
To: Agiel
Subject: RE: RE: Updated Rulebook

OMD! So helpful! Ags, thank you so much for those suggestions. Hugs, Raisin’

Sent from my Antidroid

***

From: Yekahel
To: GROUP (DPTRDA)
Subject: FWD: RE: Updated Rulebook

Hey everyone, Agiel made some rad changes to the rules I’ve been working on. See attachment. Whadaya think?

-Raisin’ Hel

***

From: Cacus
To: All
Subject: RE: FWD: RE: Updated Rulebook

Refs have looked these over and mostly agree. One more change?

7.2.2.2.1 “If a player is eaten… ”

We’d like to add “Failure to regurgitate a player is also a major enforceable offense.”

***

From: Raisin’ Hel
To: GROUP (DPTRDA)
Subject: RE: RE: FWD: RE: Updated Rulebook

Love it. We don’t want to lose any players to failure-to-regurgitate while we’re still getting going. Don’t want to harm recruitment!

***

From: Agiel
To: DPTRDA
Subject: Hooves Crossed

8 circle location is a go! Can anybody send me a damned layer to look over this contract? Lawyer not layer. Duck you, auto correct. Argh!

Sent from my infernoPhone

***

From: Agiel
To: DPTRDA
Subject: Never mind

Landlord was a total fraud. Duck. Duck. Duck. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sent from my infernoPhone

***

From: Raisin
To: Agiel

Don’t stress, hot stuff. You are a true fallen angel. At least you figured out the scam before signing. Anyway, Cerberus has a lead on a place out in the Stygian marshes.  Maybe the two of you can touch base?

I know this is a ton of work, but you’ll see. It’ll be worth it. See you at the rink tonight? We can skate off the frustration. I promise, no tail whipping.

Rock on,

Raisin

ps Pick a name, already!

pps No pressure.


Sarah Pinsker is a singer/songwriter and fiction writer based in Baltimore, Maryland. Her fiction has been published in Every Day Fiction, Strange Horizons, and Daily Science Fiction, and she has stories forthcoming in Asimov’s and Lightspeed.


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Every Day Fiction

  • Kathleen Mickelson

    I thought this was a hoot! Great fun. Thanks for making me smile today.

  • Kathleen Mickelson

    I thought this was a hoot! Great fun. Thanks for making me smile today.

  • Sarah Crysl Akhtar

    Thought it was pretty damn good. Four stars.

  • Sarah Crysl Akhtar

    Thought it was pretty damn good. Four stars.

  • Mind if I steal some of your penalty suggestions? I think my hockey league could really benefit from flames and canker demons in the box…

  • Mind if I steal some of your penalty suggestions? I think my hockey league could really benefit from flames and canker demons in the box…

  • Joel Hunt

    Haha, brilliant stuff! I really enjoyed this. Same as Kathleen, that genuinely cheered my up, so thanks!

  • Joel Hunt

    Haha, brilliant stuff! I really enjoyed this. Same as Kathleen, that genuinely cheered my up, so thanks!

  • Ramon Rozas III

    As a NSO for our local women’s flatrack league, I enjoyed this story!

  • Ramon Rozas III

    As a NSO for our local women’s flatrack league, I enjoyed this story!

  • Chris Antenen

    For this non-scifi reader I thought this was funny, very well written, great detail. I gave it a four but wish I could go back and give it a 5. My favorites? The imps, so well named and fun. Would like to grab one’s hand and skate away.

  • Chris Antenen

    For this non-scifi reader I thought this was funny, very well written, great detail. I gave it a four but wish I could go back and give it a 5. My favorites? The imps, so well named and fun. Would like to grab one’s hand and skate away.

  • Paul Owen

    This was the most fun to read, Sarah. Thank you!

  • Paul Owen

    This was the most fun to read, Sarah. Thank you!

  • Carl Steiger

    I read this late, but I’m glad I finally got around to it. I’d like to borrow some of the language from the rule book for some construction contracts, if you don’t mind.

  • Carl Steiger

    I read this late, but I’m glad I finally got around to it. I’d like to borrow some of the language from the rule book for some construction contracts, if you don’t mind.

  • Love!

  • Love!

  • Heidi

    What fun!

  • Heidi

    What fun!

  • monksunkadan@aol.com

    Just a flat out funny piece !!!

  • monksunkadan

    Just a flat out funny piece !!!